LawrenLawren *

I Can’t.

If you are not into the sappy/sad posts about a broken heart, then stop reading now. 

Seriously, do not read any further if you hate that kind of thing.

For those suffering from a broken heart, no matter how recent or long ago it was, this one is for you.

For the few who have known all along, this is the last time I will ever talk about him. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow.

Pictured above, is obviously me. Ignore the double chin. This was a night though that has been ingrained in my memory for the past year. Anyways, this was seconds before I kissed That Guy. The kiss was one of those moments of clarity when everything made sense. I had this feeling when we pulled away and looked at each other that I knew that this meant something. What unfolded next was short-lived, I know, but to me at least, it was beautiful. It was endearing that whenever we text messaged each other, that he would wait to respond around 5-8 minutes so he didn’t look too eager. I loved the late night messages, massaging his achy back when he messed it up twice in two months, and that we had the same taste in a lot of things. I loved that time That Guy picked me up, literally sweeping me off my feet, and carried me into his room just to whack my head against his headboard when he laid me on his bed. (BTW, I only recently became aware that my audience includes some of my friends’ parents, and maybe my own. But let’s be real, twenty-something year olds do IT. And I’ve had a child so I’m obviously no virgin. Sorry, Mom.) It hurt so bad hitting my head like that and I’ll admit that my eyes did get watery and I felt like crying, but with him cradling me and his worried expression, I couldn’t help but laugh. I loved the way he looked at me. Things moved really quickly, faster than I would have liked them to and I’m sure he’d agree, but something about it felt right. Even now looking back, I still couldn’t tell you what it was with him that made me feel like I am home. I’ll admit, I have my moments where I am a hopeless romantic just like I have my moments when I’m happy or sad or confused. Well, this is one of those moments in my life. That summer, I couldn’t wait to see him, even though we’d spend most of the time laying in bed, laughing and talking, or eating. I honestly could have laid in that bed with That Guy for two weeks straight and loved every minute.

Burned in my mind is the memory of us laying underneath a night sky filled with fireworks, with my head on his chest - hearing his heart beat and feeling his chest go up and down with each breath as he told me that it was the best Fourth of July he’d ever had and that he was glad that he spent it with me. When the fireworks were over, we found ourselves weaving through the swarm of people as everyone was trying to leave the football field at once. He was impatient and we hopped the fence and ran, holding hands, towards the exit and afterwards, went to a late night restaurant and ordered the same sandwich by coincidence. I remember how my heart did a little flip when he told me that he wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday. I was thrilled since that had never happened to me before. But I also remember how awful I felt when he just stopped.

The messages stopped. The calls stopped. Everything stopped without any sort of warning.

I cried to the point where I felt sick. Everything I did, I couldn’t help but imagine That Guy there. For the first time ever, I cried myself to sleep over a guy. For the first time ever, I couldn’t sleep. I’d wake up in the middle of the night to cry until I was too tired and fell asleep. Just to wake up again two hours later and do it again. The only reason I’d get out of bed was for Bella. I couldn’t get anything productive done. I was beginning to be physically affected by the emotional distress I was in. I just felt empty.

That Guy finally apologized maybe two months after everything stopped. Things for me had gotten better. His reasoning? “Being with me made him want a relationship and he wasn’t ready for that.” Or something of that sort. I forgave him until he let me know one day that he was dating somebody else via text message. And that he didn’t want anyone to know about us, also via text message. For someone that “made him want a relationship” or whatever it was, I felt that he should have treated me better than that.

It’s taken a lot of time, a lot of prayers, and a lot of asking God for strength to get me through this year, considering the other things that have been going on in my life. I mean honestly, it was not a relationship so you would think that I would have taken it a bit more lightly. I don’t know what it was. But it’s rare in my life that I find that I am emotionally compromised. I haven’t invested as many feelings into most of my relationships as I should. In my defense, I was never conscious of it until I felt what it was like to be dumped on like that. I’m human and I’m not perfect. Neither are you and neither is he. Knowing he’s not perfect, I’ve forgiven him even though it he hasn’t asked me for that. I believe that forgiveness, true forgiveness, requires an immeasurable amount of love and strength. I like to think that forgiving him speaks volumes for the kind of person that I’m turning out to be. What That Guy and I had wasn’t love, at least I don’t think it was. I think what he and I had had the potential to be love. And now I know that losing that, something that felt like it should have been, is devastating. 

I don’t think there’s ever been any other chance of me letting my guard down until That Guy. No one else until him had even stood a chance. The walls I put up around me were unbreakable then, and it scares me that men I’ve dated or talked to more recently can tell and have actually called me out on the fact that my guard is up and in full effect. I’m afraid that it’s going to take a stick of dynamite for a guy to cut through my bullish*t and get to the core of me. I don’t want to be like that, so I know that it’s something that I’ll have to work on.

And so, in closing this very long post, before I bore you to tears, I’m including a song that I think reflects how I’m feeling. Honestly, I haven’t gotten over That Guy. Maybe I will one day, but then again, maybe I won’t. But I’ve resolved that I’m not going to cry about it anymore or let it hold me back. One year is quite long enough to cry over one man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_CwkdXfAhg

Update.

Right. So I completely forgot that this even existed. Whoops. And as far as organic products go, they kind of suck. At least the deodorant does. It was so embarrassing the time that I wore it to school and it wore off. I was trying refrain from raising my arms for fear of people seeing my pit stains and catching a whiff of my BO. So instead I decided it was much more inconspicuous to use my arms like a T-rex. Wonderful.

TMI, I know. But these days I feel like my whole life is just TMI. It’s like all sense of privacy goes out the window once you have a human being shoot out from your hooha. And seriously, stuff like deodorant wearing off and having a baby barely scratches the surface of all that goes on in my life.

As far as living situations go, it feels so good to be back home, I was absolutely miserable in the situation I was in before. That actually says a lot because moving home has made my life much less convenient, but I digress.. Last quarter, I was still adjusting to the commuting full-time student, single mom, part-time job thing so it was a bit rough. But I really am getting the hang of balancing everything. I honestly don’t know how I’m juggling everything. I like to think that my life is only possible because of caffeine. Without it, I would be unable to even function these days. It’s awful, I know, but I plan on cutting it out once I’m done with school.

Anyways, one aspect of my life that I’ve completely neglected is the dating scene. I’ve never “grown up dated” if that makes any sense. It’s definitely something that’s been on my mind a lot lately and something I’m willing to explore. When I say grown up dating, I mean like meeting a man (emphasis on man) who takes initiative and asks me out, preferably not to IHOP. It wouldn’t hurt if he was chivalrous and held the door for me and seated me either. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m really enjoying being single and selfish, but I do miss having someone with whom I can feel like a woman after cleaning my daughter’s poop out of the tub. (Yes, she pooped in the tub this week!) I’ve gotten to really know what I want and how I want it, and I don’t see any reason to see differently. As a consequence, I’ve been told that I give the impression of being guarded and difficult to get to know. I can’t help it and I honestly think that it’s a defense mechanism. Like some sort of innate instinct that I have to be a cold-hearted b*tch just to see who is willing to knock down these mental walls, sweep me off my feet, and carry me into the sunset with baby girl in tow.

Before you start judging me, realize that I’ve been really hurt this past year and have been healing from it ever since and also take into account that I’ve dated one for sure, maybe two crazies in my life. I just know that I want someone who is secure enough with himself to realize that I will always have another man in my life, not because I want him there (because I most certainly don’t), but because I want my child to at the very least know her father. On that note, I feel like a guy who is secure enough and persistent enough to really make an effort to get to know me, no matter how scared he is of getting rejected, is someone who could possibly be capable of understanding this and be considerate of my situation.

I want to settle, but I don’t want to settle with just anybody for the sake of settling. I’ll settle when I feel like I can really trust a guy to not stop calling me because he’s scared that he actually likes me. I’ll settle when I meet a guy who I know will be good for me but will also challenge me, even if I don’t want to be challenged. I want him to make me think and question myself and my beliefs to help me grow and be a better person. What else would make a relationship worthwhile if it did not help both parties to grow in every way? I’ll settle when a guy stands out, rather than blending in, and proves that he is a man of his word and will always be honest and straightforward with me. These are things that I am ready to bring to the table in a relationship, and I refuse to be in another situation where these things are not reciprocated. 

Going organic..

Okay. I hate to jump on the go green/go organic bandwagon, but after reading an article someone tweeted the other day, it really got me interested in the types of products Bella and I are using or ingesting everyday. Obviously, anything organic is more expensive, so I just plan on slowly integrating more and more organic items into our daily routines starting with what’s most important. After checking the ingredients of products, it began to freak me out that stuff I recognize from classes and lab, is popping up everywhere. I don’t even care if it’s “low toxicity”, I don’t want it to be absorbed into mine and especially Bella’s body if I have the choice. 

I’ve made sure that an organic baby shampoo/body wash has been used on Bella since day one. We currently are using California Baby Sensitive, a combination shampoo/body wash, and ever since the Johnson & Johnson thing, I’m really glad that I’m not taking any chances when it comes to her health. She also has her own EOS lip balm, which I’m pretty sure is organic, but plan on looking further into it. I also bought her an organic children’s toothpaste, Spry in Strawberry-Banana. As with any other children’s toothpaste, it contains xylitol, no fluoride, and she’s not swallowing any other unnecessary ingredients.

The lotion I bought is just 365 body lotion in lavendar. I just grabbed the cheapest one since I plan to try out other ones as time goes on until we find one that we really like. The soap I got, South of France, is also in a lavendar scent. I chose this soap over others because I’ve used the mango scent in the past and I really loved it.

The priciest item I got was the deodorant, Hugo Naturals Dual Action Deodorant in Sea Fennel & Passionflower. What sucks about organic antiperspirants/deodorants, is that there usually are ONLY deodorants. That’s because the aluminum compound (in my Dove deodorant, it’s aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex GLY) in mainstream deodorants is the active ingredient in the antiperspirant action of the product. It freaks me out, and I don’t want that being absorbed through my armpits and into my body. It’s probably going to take me a few times to find one that really works for me, and this one looked like a good one to start out with.

Lastly, I got a Burt’s Bees Nourishing Lip Balm with Mango Butter. I’ve been a huge Burt’s Bees fan since high school but found that the peppermint oil in it that I love was irritating the eczema that I’ve developed near my lips. I’ve been using Carmex since but wanted to make the jump back to this product. I love mangos, so I love love love this and I’m already addicted to it.

And now I just smell like a freakin’ yoga studio with all the lavendar going on, but I love ittttt.

Already 18 mos.

I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by! Bella is already a year and a half. She’s also quite mature for her age and is hitting her terrible two’s earlier than I anticipated.. I still love her though, of course <3

Patience

“Good things come to those who wait.”

Some people are just worth holding out for.